Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I Guess I Better Paint All Of My Bikes Black?

I just saw this on Craig'slist DSM and got a chuckle out of it. Part creative writing homework, part coherent ramble. Read it and decide for yourself. Just watch out for me as I approach on the wheels of death and fury! "Baddest Tricross ever 4 sale" You gotta see this, trust me.

11 comments:

bluecolnago said...

that link doesn't appear to be alive.... ;)

Travel Gravel said...

Can't get the link to come up, but go to CL and hunt it up, it's a good laugh.

Speedblend guy said...

For Sale - Specialized Tricross Sport 54cm

Black bikes have souls, lots of them, they sucked all the souls from ugly green, red, blue, and other color bikes. A black bike says don't f*ck with this guy. It's like having the worst of Satan and the best of Jesus in one bike.

You suck the life from other riders and it goes into your legs, giving you a permanent tail wind.

At any race you can point down to the baddest badass bike out there and said "This bike gives me the power to crush you, take your energy and leave you twisting in the wind. You have nothing left for this race. BE GONE."

A black bike is so bad ass that no one, not one single person will try to pass you, well some may, but only b/c their bike is black but they will soon succumb to the rolling fury that is this bike. This is the power a black bike brings. Sure you could ride something cute and covered with flowers, maybe a bell or streamers on the handlebars, some color coordinated handlebar tape and/or a seat. You could try to ride fast, the kind of fast a Huffy gets when going down a hill with the brake on. You could try to pass someone "excuse me, but person could you please move right just a touch so I can squeeze around you, please?" Or you could ride death, something to strike fear into the hearts and minds of those around you.

An aluminum and carbon creation of rolling fury. The sound of a 1000 anguished souls coupled with the roar of the mightiest creator laughing at the terror before you. Where a simple phrase "on your left" and the sound of fury and hell moves people over into the gutter.

Or you can ride cute and polite. You choose, badass or ass bad.

IF you really need more info:
http://www.specialized.com/us/en/bc/SBCBkModel.jsp?arc=2006&spid=21853&menuItemId=0
The brakes have been upgraded to Paul Neo-Retros

$600 - Email if you want pics - call when you are ready to step up. 515-964-1075

Speedblend guy said...

I'm buying a case of flat black Rustoleum. Next project: Quickie BLACK Fixie with studded winter tires, DON'T f*ck with me!! Death Race 2010!!

Travel Gravel said...

"Psychic Link" as my friend Slim and I used to say when we both thought of the same thing at the same time. I thought of Death Race while reading it the first time through! Also thought of the movie, "The Car" A classic thriller from the days. There used to be a programming block on one of the local channels called "The Hundred Dollar Movie", which would feature such high production value gems. I miss those days:(

Dwight said...

I believe I have 'Death Race 2000' on DVD. Although David Carradine has passed, Frankenstein lives! I also have the original Mad Max movie, one of my perennial all time favorites. Also, don't forget Steven Spielberg's directorial debut made for TV movie "Duel" with Dennis Weaver. Red Plymouth Valiant versus dirty Mack truck.

My hazy memory recalls 'The Car' and 'Hundred Dollar Movies'. If I remember correctly, the car was some kind of souped up, black on black Satan possessed customized Lincoln Continental with huge tube bumpers and open exhaust. I don't think there was much plot, other than some driverless, blacked out evil car running over helpless pedestrians...

Travel Gravel said...

There was a plot in that movie?

Speedblend guy said...

THE CAR (1977) IMDb

While traveling through the desert nearby the small town of Santa Ynez on their bicycles to camp, two teenage bicyclers are murdered by a mysterious black car. Then the car hit-and-run a hitchhiker and the crime is witnessed by the local Amos Clements. Sheriff Everett puts his men in alert and plans road blocks in the area to arrest the murderer. Sooner he becomes a victim of the car and Sheriff Wade Parent begins a hunting of the vehicle that is threatening his town and seems to be impossible to be located. When his beloved girlfriend and teacher Lauren challenges the driver in a cemetery, the car hunts her in her home and Wade realizes that he might be dealing with supernatural powers.

Speedblend guy said...

And there's more...

# There were six Cars built for filming by Barris Kustoms in North Hollywood, California: one main car of steel and five fiberglass replicas. Three replicas were destroyed in the climactic explosion scene and the other two replicas were wrecked in rollovers. The gloss-black main Car is a custom Lincoln Mark III with a locked 4.11 differential (to allow easier spinning), a 460 cubic-inch V8 engine, heavy-duty suspension, roll bar, safety harness, and amber-tinted glass. The top is lowered and the beltline raised. Twelve craftsmen built the main Car in six weeks.

# According to a 1977 interview with James Brolin, the working title of the film was "Wheels".

# The song Wade is singing before brushing his teeth is "Muleskinner Blues" by Jimmie Rodgers and George Vaughn.

# Car cost $84,000.00 to build.

# This film is listed among The 100 Most Enjoyably Bad Movies Ever Made in Golden Raspberry Award founder John Wilson's book THE OFFICIAL RAZZIE® MOVIE GUIDE.

# An arcade video game machine called "Smashing Drive" features the car, painted as a New York taxi on a rampage in the city. The game's "attract mode" sequence begins with the car sitting on one of the stainless steel Deco eagles on the Chrysler Building, and then jumping off to the street below.

djdau@walnutel.net said...

And the best "The Car" trivia of all...

Revealing mistakes: Just as the Car chases the marching band into the graveyard, two kids crouch behind a tombstone, which wiggles as if made from Styrofoam (which it probably is).

A killer car chasing a marching band into a graveyard?? Makes me want to rent it just for a good laugh...

Travel Gravel said...

Mark Meyer from Ankeny has revealed that he is the author of this awesome ad/death-fury-minitome! Says he lifted the idea from another source and had to put his own spin on it. Coolest ad I've ever read! Thanks Mark!