Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Ideas For Strange Bumper Stickers

Inspired by Speedblend Guy's random thoughts post, I have decided to share some equally random, and hopefully laugh-inducing, sniglets of my own. Let's back up and try to understand where this post began. I work at Redeker Furniture as a salesman. We are a family owned business, a fairly successful company, and overall pretty conservative as a bunch. However, as with all groups, there are a few nuts (you know who you are;) and among the nuts are (were) myself, my buddy Kurt Phillips, and a super-cool guy named Dave Wagner. Dave has since moved on to a real life and now works in HR for a company in Ames. Now Dave can sure think outside the box and we had many a hilarious conversation that would start with a simple telling of our weekend adventures, a recounting of a conversation with a customer, or a tale from times past. One person would start talking and the other would take it in a completely different direction, and before you knew it we were laughing with tears streaming down our faces! You know the times, right? I hope for your sake that you have time to laugh that hard at work!
So anyway, I was telling Dave about a bumper sticker that I had seen on a truck. It read, "Don't move firewood" and for the life of me I could not figure out what the hell it could possibly mean! Some nut actually took the time to have a bumper sticker made, to express his beliefs in a classic American format, and he comes up with "Don't move firewood"?!!! (I later came to understand that it is common for pests and insects to migrate from region to region via firewood bundles, hence the sticker.) Now we couldn't just leave a mystery a mystery, no, not us. We had to start screwing around and making up our own stupid bumper sticker ideas! Sadly, we didn't have the wits to right them all down, so some of the first ideas are not recorded. I started keeping a record of them one day and I guess I'll try to share some of them for the heck of it. Keep in mind that these are ALL direct quotes from actual conversations. The laughs come from the mis-placement of the context and re-purposing of the quotes into potential bumper stickers. Get it? If you were behind someone in traffic and saw a bumper sticker with any of these phrases on it, you would surely have to scratch your chin and say, "What in the hell?" OK, so here we go:
Do Not Rent Things

I'm Riding My Brakes To Help My Wife Eat

I Don't Know What Cheese Is

I've Never Been On An Island

Am I Going North?

Why Are We Both Doing This?

Magnetize Your TV Now!

I Don't Want You To Say "Notions" Around Me

Don't Sniff Bread

Read This With An East-Indian Accent

Move Your Eyes Like You're Playing A Piano

One Time I Wore A Space Suit At A Food Service Convention, And You Didn't

Don't Write "List" At The Top Of A List

and the ever popular Milk Is Not A Savings Account

Now I realize that this may not be at all funny. You had to be there, right? If, however, you would like to know the real context behind these quotes, just leave a comment as to which one(s) you find most perplexing and I'll respond. Let it bounce around in your noggin for a while before asking. You'll never get it on your own though, like I said, you had to be there.

In other news, I'm sick to death of every bike I own and want a new bike! I would love to lay down for a 1X9 rigid 29er, but it's not in the cards right now. Plus, it's so close to Interbike and the subsequent droolfest that follows, that if I bought a new bike right now I would be crying so hard you could hear me from your own digs! Some day though. If a GT Peace9er with Rasta paint showed up in my sights though, I would have to find a way. Love that bike. I had people laughing at my poor man's 29er at the race at 7 Oaks. That's OK, it's not really intended to be a legit bike people! Do you think someone would take a hybrid bike from 15 years ago (it was a Rassys sale originally) and stuff some 2.1s under it, and take it seriously? With an eighth inch of tire clearance front and back? With a chain stay bridge that had to be hammered forward a quarter inch for the tires to even fit? With a road cassette and stamped steel chainrings? With a quill stem to Aheadset adapter? With an SLR seat on a twenty seven pound bike? No, no, no, no, no, no, and no! I saw Marc from Bike World Ames talking with a couple of his bros at the roll-call, and one of the other guys tried to slighly point at my bike and get him to look over at it. He's too cool though, and didn't totally double take in disgust! Besides, he knows a thing or two about cobbing a bike together. He once raced Targhetto on his Schwinn cruiser. With a blue milk crate on the bars. With a pair of DH tires stuffed under it. With a one piece to three piece crank adapter! So there! Later! Run What Ya Brung!
P.S. You need these links! www.stickerjunkie.com and www.stickernation.com

7 comments:

bluecolnago said...

i like your bikes. period.

i can see where the bumper stickers could be funny, even if "you weren't there" (i wasn't there?)

riding my brakes so my wife can eat. that is good.

Travel Gravel said...

That was right after Kelli had half of her thyroid removed and couldn't swallow very easily. We stopped at Burger King on the way home from the hospital to get her a shake and a cheese burger, and I jokingly rocked the car front to back(brake/gas, brake/gas) to "help" her. I do these things out of love!

Speedblend Guy said...

I tried to magnetize my folks' TV when I was a kid. Left a funny spot on the picture tube. Got my ass paddled :>)

Travel Gravel said...

Ditto here, minus the paddling. That one came about from a recounting of my son making "aliens" on our computer monitor, then I said that I had ushered my folks out of the console TV era with a speaker magnet. We concluded that it would be fun to start a sham online campaign to convince people that they could get 1080p quality pictures on their old TV by putting a powerful magnet on the screen. Evil.

Amy J said...

Love the bumperstickers. I hate trying to read ones where the lettering fades into a color closely matching the background color.

The best bumper sticker (but waaay to long) was one my hairdresser and I came up with: "I'm not narcissistic; I'm just pretty" after she did my hair VERY nicely.

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